Spent the day alone but connected, talking with Jamye, zoom work party with Kristen and Kim, working on processing nettles and cleaning the kitchen and baking bread for today's orders. It was good to be productive, because my heart is so heavy with the insanity going on. Seeing the incidences of police violence against protestors all over this country, the revolting self-serving speeches by our reprehensible criminal-in-chief, feeling the rage and frustration and fear and hurt of our black community members. Good to be productive because I am finding myself winding down those rabbit-holes of video clips and articles and having a hard time coming out. The time spent educating myself about how the white community can be better allies and support and work towards a better world now, feels so imperative but it's easy to also get stuck in the media frenzy and use up the energy that would be better spent in writing, calling, reading.
I feel so tired, and guilty for even saying that. It feels like a privilege to contemplate rest when the world needs so much. I know that so many of us are experiencing this profound exhaustion. Partly, of course, its because the events of this last week were/are incredibly emotional and the conversations happening in all of our houses, zoom calls, emails, texts are requiring a ton of energy. And because we have been experiencing quarantine, fear of contracting Covid, maneuvering loss of income, loss of work, loss of purpose, grief for those we have lost, weddings postponed, graduations online, hugs missed... we are facing this time with depleted reserves.
In several conversations today, there was more talk about the lack of concentration and the focus... like we are expecting ourselves to continue to plow along as if things were normal. It makes perfect sense that we are having trouble focusing. Or sleeping. Or taking care of our bodies. I have started doing more and more zoom work parties... getting together with a few people online to work on our own projects, but with the company of another person through the screen. It helps, it really does. Right now, a lot of those meetings are happening with Kim and Kristen. It feels comforting to be with those two. My two oldest friends. Women who cherish each other, have supported each other through the years, and who can talk about anything at all... so moving through difficult conversation topics are safe and held. I am very grateful to have that kind of space in my life. I highly recommend it.
Willi is still up in the mountains searching for mushrooms. We had talked about me joining him up there after I got today's orders out the door, but I decided to stay home to tackle the piles of paperwork, unanswered emails, house-hold business (calling the repairman for the dishwasher which is leaking all over my floor,) cleaning the kitchen for the 400th time this week, and finally, finally getting my ass on my mediation pillow. And feeding myself in the way I need to. I miss him though.
We have spent the last 9 months practically inseparable. It's been such a surprise to me that it is so easy to be with him. That's not to say that we don't fight, because we do. But I am learning so much about myself, my patterns, my reactions. It's like the universe has handed me a human-sized, redheaded mirror and given me the chance to see exactly what I need to work on. "Oh, you think you've figured out this self-love thing? How about now, with a real person reflecting that? Do you still love yourself now? And you thought you had relationship dynamics figured out? Really, Goldfield? How about now?"
I am sure that I am a cosmic mirror for him too, but it surfaces in different ways. I am grateful we have each other to discuss the world, cry over the insanity of yet another inequity/murder/act of brutality and find the spots of hope. We have each other to share stupid jokes, ridiculous songs and comfort too. It's a good thing, and I am holding on to that. So, Universe? Get him home safe and sound. With all the mushrooms.
Tomorrow is the day to get your Monday orders in. Menu is below. Monday delivery to SF and North Bay.
I am off to bed a little early. Last night's reading of AUGUST:OSAGE COUNTY was really rewarding but went super late, so I am dragging a bit tonight. I am going to go cuddle up with the cats and get an early start tomorrow.
Take care of yourselves. We are in it for the long haul, because we HAVE GOT to change the way this country has been working. We need to take care of our bodies so we can use them for good. We need to rest our brains so we can do more, be better, work towards better. We need to soften our hearts to include everyone. Sleep well, drink extra water, eat something nutritious as well as delicious. Sending you all a huge virtual hug, until I get to do a real one someday. xoxo