MARTHA AVENUE-Day 35. I read somewhere that starting a business (or being an entrepreneur) is a very good way to work on your own shit. A personal development crash course. I am feeling that very deeply right now. Skipped a day of writing mostly because I was feeling so much crap that I couldn't imagine putting it all out there for folks to have to hold as well. I know that there is a lot of value in being vulnerable and authentic and raw, and I appreciate it so much when others are that way too. But sometimes, sometimes, it all feels like way too much to put out there. Suffice to say, yesterday was a crappy one. Or at least it turned into a crappy one. Started out good and then turned spectacularly and ended up with me climbing into bed fully dressed at about 7pm with absolutely no ability to climb out of the mess I was in. I think the only reason that I am writing about it now is that I feel that so so many of us are having moments like this right now. Times when we KNOW we should feel grateful for what we have and YET get completely overwhelmed by trying to live a life that is completely turned upside down, and at least for those of us who have been making our lives in work that requires large groups of people, it feels pretty hopeless that we will be back at work any time soon.
On top of that, we are static in our home situations... whatever that is. Some of us are dealing with being forced to be alone and without physical contact for weeks on end. Some are dealing with being with roommates or family who drive us crazy. Some of us are newly coupled and trying to find our way into new ways of communicating with absolutely no "outs". Oh, and then, I know what let's do... let's start a new business! Just to hold a mirror up to all the ways of being that you have relied on... and see how they hold up. For me, I am not holding up very well. Or at least, yesterday...some days.... I am not holding up very well.
But if we are very lucky, we have friends who understand and love us no matter what. I am a very lucky girl. I have several such friends. Yesterday, it was Kim that I leaned on. She is one of the people in my life that I know loves me NO MATTER WHAT. She has seen me at my absolute worst. Taken care of my at my lowest, most scared times. Stayed with me for weeks on end when Calum was born and was failing to thrive. Loved me even when my romantic choices were crappy and she had to listen to all the bullshit that I told myself to justify my choices. I never know which one of us is Thelma and which is Louise, and I do hope that it never comes to that. but I am grateful for her love. Between her and Kristen, they know me so well... and still love me.
Today, I had the love and support of a group of women who I have had the pleasure to work with for many many years. The gifts of A CHRISTMAS CAROL are many and varied, and today I again was supported and loved by these CAROL friends. They recognized from the tone of my voice that I was in a crappy place, round-robin talked through it with me, gave me concrete ideas of how to move through it, made me feel heard and seen and loved. I miss theatre... all of it. All of the various things that we all miss, but I am very grateful that the connections and love that we have all shared in dressing rooms and rehearsal halls and backstage corners is still there for us. We are still a community. A community who cares about each other. Deeply cares. I feel very lucky to have made my life in this community, with these people. Sharon and Leslie and Karen and Nancy and Domenique. I don't know what I would do with you all.
After talking with them, I spent the day cleaning and getting some order in the house. I feel so much better when the house isn't total chaos. I've never been a super fanatical housekeeper, but I feel more and more that I need some sort of order and a sense of clean to feel like I can deal with the rest of the stuff we are all trying to hold. So although its already 7pm and I have only managed to feed my kid one meal today (he's 17 so really he could figure it out himself... I am not a total monster 😆) I feel calmer and like I can face the rest of the stuff.
On a brighter note, we had delicious sautéed morels for breakfast. I ate a whole pan of them before Willi was able to get his breakfast sorted out. He made biscuits with morel-sausage gravy. Despite myself, I ate one myself. Crazy good.
We have a huge store of morels, if anyone is wanting some with their delivery on Monday. Half a pound for $15. We also have a gorgeous Moroccan Chicken Tagine, which comes with couscous and an almond-gold raisin garnish. Nice way to greet the new week, if you are tired of ragu and gnocchi.... as if anyone could get tired of gnocchi!
I made my aunt Shirley's biscotti today, and added dried cherries and almonds... might have to find a way to make some new desserts this week. I have been contemplating a new Panna Cotta.... maybe rose or pomegranate or something exotic. I think a pomegranate-pistachio Panna Cotta might be an excellent finish to a meal of the Chicken Tagine. Anyone want to request that for next week?
For now, here is the menu and a reminder to order for Monday by Sunday noon. Delivery to the North Bay on Monday as well.
Take good care of yourselves. Be kind and compassionate to your heart, especially with the ups and downs that seem to be a huge factor in this experience. Reach out to friends, if you are in need, or if you think one of your people is in need. Reach out to me, if there is something that I can help with. Hug yourself hard. Pretend we are backstage in the wings, waiting to go on in that gorgeous light. xoxo