Took a night away from writing last night... just felt so exhausted and worn out. And woke with a big case of the blues. Heard that the City of Walnut Creek is contemplating eliminating the position of Artistic Director of Center Rep, Michael Butler, in their attempts to get the city budget under control. Incredibly naive... how is a theatre company supposed to continue eventually without it's captain?
This on the heels of the news that ACT is cutting staff, eliminating leases on spaces and tightening their belts a LOT. It all seems so very fragile. How on earth are we to keep positive thoughts, work towards a more equitable business if we lose the very theaters that we love? All of it just got me down today.
Got to see my dear friend Karen today and we talked for a bit about the business, the toll the stress of the quarantine/pandemic is taking on our bodies, what its like to be away from our work for the longest time since we were in high school, how to make celebrations feel festive in the times of isolation, allowing ourselves to be ok with having a bad day, and gratitude for the incredibly supportive friendships that we have in this community.
I am tired. So very tired. I am not taking good care of my body.... and I feel guilty for saying that...even as I admonish everyone to be good to themselves. Somehow, when the mean reds/the blues hit, I just have a hard time taking my own advice. Today, I just wanted to stay in bed alone and with a pillow over my head and pretend the world didn't exist. But, I didn't. I got up. I baked a cake. I brought it to a friend for her birthday. I finished a project that I have been working on for my mom. I baked a beautiful cherry pie because my kids were coming over for dinner. I pretended that things were ok while they were here, and pretended that its fine that they are staying longer at their dad's house, even though really I miss them. I ate way WAY too much sugar. And my body is really letting me know how bad that is for me.
Talking with Karen, I at least was reassured that it's ok to feel all the things, it's ok to have a bad day now and then... god knows the world is throwing a lot of bad stuff at all of us. Some of us have seen more of it than others, but it's all coming out now and it lands. And for those of us who have made it our life's work to really feel everything, to be observant and empathic and sensitive and open and vulnerable...sometimes, it's all a lot.
Willi made a gorgeous dinner for all of us. Grilled kabobs of chicken and eggplant and zucchini and peppers and cherry tomatoes and onions, and corn on the cob. S'Mores over the grill while we visited with Jamye, followed by cherry pie and vanilla ice cream. Jamye and Chris had also brought us a piece of rainbow cake from a (physically distanced Pride) party they had attended earlier today. We played cards with the boys for a bit after dinner and then they left, and we played rummy for a bit longer.
So, even a day that feels blue can have a lot of good things in it. And maybe that's my lesson I learned today... to keep looking for those little spots of good. The projects completed, the tiny to-do list items checked off, the time with my kids, the pretty pie, the kindness of friends.
Tomorrow is North Bay delivery day so I will get to see my mom, at least from the porch. Gives me a chance to check in on her and to continually remind her to be careful and hyper-vigilant. I planted a bunch of things in her garden last week... we will see what is still growing this week. I will also take time to craft a heartfelt plea to the City of Walnut Creek to figure out a way not to lose Michael. Furlough, temporary leave of absence... anything. But when the Lesher Center reopens and they want that company back up and producing shows, it needs to have a leader.
Menu for Wednesday (SF and East Bay delivery) is below. Orders should be placed by Monday night/Tuesday morning.
Do right by your bodies. Tomorrow, I will do better. Tonight, I am going to leave all the dishes and tuck myself into bed. Tomorrow, I will start with a big glass of water, wash the dishes, bake the bread and start over again. Be kind, be strong, be brave. Do the right thing. Stand up for what you believe in, listen to the voices of those who need to be heard. Love yourself... you are worthy of love... especially from yourself. Sending you all a virtual hug, and pretending that I am getting a whole bunch of them too. xoxo