Didn't write anything yesterday because we realized midday that we needed to restock almost EVERYTHING and spent the afternoon in a frenzy of Pozole, Tagine, Crumble and Tartes. It was a good busy afternoon and evening, but by the time I was dragging myself away from the kitchen, I didn't have any juice to write.
Wednesdays are East Bay delivery day and because the world is slowly getting busier again, I aimed to leave by midday to get on the road, rather than my usual 3pm. It made a huge difference to get out of the city early. Made a beeline up to Richmond to delivery to Colin and Karen. So very lovely to see them. Sat a for a few minutes in their gorgeous garden to have a distanced chat and then they sent me home with an enormous bag of lemons.
I am finding that so many people are finding extra ways to thank us, other than the obvious monetary exchange. One SF customer (who I am only getting to know through this Covid/Martha Avenue time despite having dozens of mutual FB friends) often leaves me a special candy or a jar of fancy coffee beans. Colin and Karen gave me lemons. Deb gave me a bag of flour that she wasn't using last week. People leave little notes and it makes me feel so appreciated. I am so very grateful to have this work to do, and so grateful that it is helpful and nurturing and appreciated by so many. AND so grateful that the deliveries are giving me an excuse to see so many of our community members and be reminded several times a week that the strong web of this community is STILL HERE. It's just a little less loud right now.
I was thinking today too, about the difference between NEED and WANT. (I have a lot of time to think on the drive. I tend to play the radio really softly, just for company. Usually the "all broadway all the time" Sirius XMstation. Sometimes it makes me a little sad, but most of the time it's a comforting reminder of what we do and how much it means to me. Anyway... back to need vs. want). Right now, or at least the last month or so, we were much more concerned about NEEDS. And the things that fall into a less necessary WANT category, got pushed to the back or pushed off to another time. I found myself much more focused on what needed to be done in a day, and then with just trying to get enough rest, rather than spending time watching things or reading or whatever. Part of it was my lack of focus, and part of it was just prioritizing what I really NEED to feel calm and strong. For me, I NEED to feel useful. And if I am truly honest and drill down to the root of it, I need to feel NEEDED. I actually think that I am just USED to equating that with feeling good. Feeling needed means that I am worthy... or something like that. "If they NEED me, they'll see my worth". I would like to be WANTED as much as NEEDED. To feel my worth is not tied to what use I am. And then in the same second that I write that, I think to myself, "but, Goldfield, you always say you aspire to be "useful as well as ornamental" and then there is that GBS quote you love so much. What about that, Goldfield, huh?" And then I figure that it's both. It's always both. We (meaning me) always want to feel both needed AND wanted. We want our loved ones to enjoy our company as well as the comforts that we provide or create. We want to feel worthy of love without having to hustle for that love. We want to feel needed, but only if the person who needs us does so because they want us so much, not because they are with us because they need to be. We want our partners to "choose everyday to be with us" even as we rely on the definitions of commitment. It's a complicated puzzle and yet so simple. We want to feel loved and cherished and SEEN.
After Colin and Karen, I got to see Kat and have a quick catch up (where she told me that she knows Kevin...small world getting smaller) and over to see Lyndsy at her family business... another sweet gift of a selection of the amazing GF and specialty items from her business Edison Grainery www.edisongrainery.com (can't wait to try the quinoa Mac and cheese!)... and onto drop off to Deborah in Martinez. Then down to the WC drop off hub at Becky's house. So good to see Jerry and Judy and Annie. Heidi met me there for their order, and Megan and her cute kids came by to pick up an order too. And Megan gave me a gorgeous handmade bracelet of special crystal/stones and a 'kiss'. You know in Peter Pan when Peter gives Wendy an acorn and she gives him a thimble? Megan made me a tiny little acorn on a strip of suede. So sweet. I love that these kids that I have known since they were little kids are still in my life. And have kids of their own. And still love and work and play in theatre and art. It feels like the best of community and legacy and love through time.
My last stop with at Domenique's house where I picked up a tiny zucchini start-baby that Leslie had left for me and got to see the insanely gorgeous woodwork that Morgan is doing. Dashed to Costco and Safeway to get supplies for tomorrow's work day and then home to play a little online Codenames with Carrie and Jeremey, Brady and Gaffney and Domenique and Morgan.
Tomorrow is a prep day and the day to get your orders in for Friday (or next week, if you want to plan ahead). Friday is a SF pick up and delivery day. Orders should be placed by Wednesday (tonight) or by tomorrow morning. We still have a few morels if anyone has a hankering, and the strawberry tarte.
It's late and I have had a very long day. But I felt needed and wanted. I feel seen and heard here at home. And THAT is a very good thing. Here's to good friends, work that feels useful and creative, and to health for all of us. Take good care of yourselves. Treat your body like the precious special home that it is. Drink more water, sleep more if you can. Hug your people, hug yourself for me. xoxo